Use As Directed

I set up this new blog as a new beginning, almost six months ago. I wanted to chronicle the next stage for me after loss. I wanted to step away from all the anger and negativity that I felt was prominent in my posts in the last and start to look to the future, try to begin to hope for things to come, and live in the present while remembering and reflecting on the past. I wanted to have the balls to "...wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me." This blog was meant to chronicle my journey to my rainbow baby, and beyond. To where the metaphoric bluebirds fly.

But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put it out there. The feelings, the fear, the flashbacks were tough enough to deal with, without putting them into words. I began the most recent of IVF cycles. They truly do suck, but I'm a pro at this point. Needles? Ha! I laugh at them! Lady parts seemingly constantly on display, both interior and exterior, to be analyzed and commented on as though they are part of a science project (which, in a way, I guess they are at that point)? Pl ease, I've been through worse, physically and emotionally. Yet blogging it was just too real for me. So I've stayed away, periodically checking in to read and relate, hearing your news, the good and the bad, the funny and sad, as I trudged down my own path.

And then it happened. The hope for the best part. With the BFP. Real big. As in twins big. I was pregnant again. I took a risk, and it paid off. For about seven weeks. Then it became deja vu. Bleeding. SCH. Bedrest @ 8 weeks. First loss at 11 weeks. Hoping, praying, bargaining for Baby B. Second loss as I hit my second trimester. Surgery. Infection. Anemia. Heartbreak. The expect the worst part.

Here I am, in a present I'm trying to be grateful for. In a season I'm trying to enjoy, and make the most of. In a reality I have not yet processed or come to terms with. With questions and no answers. Smack dab in the middle of those clouds. I can no longer catch a glimpse of that rainbow, let alone get over it.

Gratitude-The DBC

Gratitude.

Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is...?
My living child.

I know now that before my loss I took ... for granted?
Life in general, and the future.

From now on I will make sure to recognize ... in my life and it's importance to me?
The present.